Words that someone passed on to me still echoes through my mind. Words that I have lived by. Words that I don’t know if I still want to.
“You just keep leaving. If you fall in love with a place, leave it. You fall in love with people, leave them. Leave as quickly as you can and don’t look back. You want to see everywhere? Don’t be attached to anything. Break your own heart, kid, and leave. That’s how you see the world.”
And for someone who arrives to places and people with one foot already out the door, I felt it. And as someone who has fallen in love with both a place and people, it makes me wonder, can you truly outrun yourself or can you only run so far from who you are?
I never planned on falling in love with a place or people. For the first time in my life, I am all in. Both feet. My entire heart. All in.
I am a runner. Can I leave that behind? Can I leave that part of me behind? Stability is something I want for once in my life. But that doesn’t mean I’m meant for it.
The place I fell in love with has no future for me career-wise. There are no jobs in my field. There is no need for them here. Which ultimately means there is no need for me here.
I set out to make a difference in the world. To change it in any way I possibly could. The people I’m in love with believe I will. They believe I’m going to change the world. She says I’m going to save it.
Perhaps I can make a dent in it, but in order to do that, I have to lose me.
Save the world or save myself. Those are the options.
In order to save the world, to change it, to make my dent, I have to leave behind everything I have always dreamed of. Everything that I never knew was out there for me. Everything that I never planned on needing or even wanting. I have to leave behind my heart.
All my life I have begged the universe to make time pass quickly. To get me from one place to the next as soon as possible, because I could not bear to stay. For once in my life, I’m begging the universe for more time.
The words of an old director run through my mind. She said, “You have so much good in you. So much want to save the world in you. You should know, if it comes down to it, it’s okay to just save you.”
But I know I cannot. There are too many people that need help. That need voices. That need someone to fight for them. If I allow my heart to have what it loves, I cannot do the work I always dreamed of. I cannot live both worlds. I cannot have both dreams.
The sun will eventually set on my time here and when it does, my heart will be darker than it ever has been, so until then, let it be light.
Until then, please let it be light, universe.