We’re all growing and evolving- it’s something that never ceases. We’re constantly changing and becoming who we are meant to be. I’m not there yet, I’m still being born, but with growth comes reflection, Yes, I have been hurt, but I have also done the hurting and for that, I apologize.
Sometimes we hurt those we care about. Sometimes it’s out of defense, sometimes you don’t realize you’re doing it, sometimes you’re being selfish. You may not see it at the time, but then a year passes and then you do.
I’m sorry. Two words that may mean absolutely nothing now, but still worth saying. So before another year passes, let me just say that I’m sorry for my part and that it didn’t come sooner.
You see, I preface every relationship or dynamic I have ever had with: “I’m going to leave. It’s in my blood. I’m not capable of staying and the sooner you know that the better off we’ll be.”
Does that make me a terrible person? Probably.
I wish I was not the way I am, but it’s me. I have a spirit of a storm raging inside of me. I am a walking hurricane that never ceases. I can’t. I have learned to ride the waves of my storm, but other people will drown in them, so I leave before it can. Before the tides can yank them under. I leave because I care.
There was only once where I said ‘I will have to leave for school, but I will come back.’ I loved the person I told that to. I really did love her, but love cannot save everything and it cannot save you from you.
It’s easy to walk away. It’s easy to utter a goodbye or not, turn, and never come back. I’ve gotten quite good at it over my years. Why? Because it is easier to be the one that walks away. It easier to destroy what you love, no matter how much it breaks your heart than to watch it leave. I leave before I can be left.
The one time I wanted to stay- I still left.
Self-destruction at its finest.
I was not the one that ended things, but I am the one that manipulated said love to end things. Looking back, I’m not sure why I did not just end it. I knew it was over and we were at the point where it needed to be. I wanted it to end before we could hate each other. As any dynamic, we had rules, safety rules, and such and other things. Some I had already broken once and knew a second time would end it. Well, that and a few other things. So, I said I broke these rules, said I did other things. I didn’t. I didn’t actually do any of them, but she needed to believe I did. And even though I knew it would end, I don’t think your heart is ever prepared when it reaches the final chapter of something that it had once been hopeful for.
Was what I did horrible? Yes. It was. Of course, it was. I see that and I’m sorry for it. Instead of just being like ‘hey this isn’t working, I’m hurting, I’m disappointed, I regret moving here for you, etc,’ I did what I did. It was wrong and if I could take it back- I would. But I’m good at burning bridges and that again is what I did. We haven’t spoken since the night I packed my bags and I don’t believe we ever shall again.
With time, comes reflection.
I was angry and I was hurt when I lied and said I did things that I did not in order for her to end it. I’m not angry, nor hurt anymore. I very much loved her and I left, in my own way, in my own creation, before she really could. A part of me will always love her and wish her all the happiness in the world because she deserves all good things in life. It took me a while to realize that I’m not one of those things and that is okay.
I can admit what I did was wrong. That I absolutely made mistakes. That I did the unforgivable to achieve what I wanted- a way out.
That was terrible of me, but I also realized that it wasn’t all me. We both played a hand in our destruction. While I held the cards that won me the releasing I needed, we both played the game. And you know what? That is okay. That is more than okay. That’s life. And if this year has taught me anything it is forgiveness. Forgiveness for others, yes, but mostly for myself.
I am not a perfect human being. I never will be no matter how hard I try. I have always fallen short on the pursuit of perfection and forever will.
I also realize that in this large, diverse world, people love differently. The way I love and the way she loved wasn’t the same. Just the way it was not with those before her. You have to find people who love the same way you do, who want the same things you do, and also come to terms with the fact that there may not be someone for you. Your love may be someone who you cannot have. Maybe they died. Maybe they married their career and all you get are the occasional skype dates. Maybe you won’t meet. There are so many factors.
I am a hurricane of a human being and I made a mess of things. A mess that cannot be undone. In my hurting, I hurt other people. I gave up on people I never thought I would, including myself. You can’t force yourself to be something you aren’t- but you can apologize for your wrongdoings.
A spoken word poem says it best when it says;
“Maybe love stays. Maybe love can’t. Maybe love shouldn’t. Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to. And love leaves exactly when love must. When love arrives, say, “Welcome, make yourself comfortable.” If love leaves, ask her to leave the door open behind her. Turn off the music, listen to the quiet, whisper, “thank you for stopping by.” ”
This is my apology to the love and relationships I severed. My, I’m sorry that took me so long to say. It is also my thank you. My thank you for stopping into to my life at a time when I wasn’t sure I would ever feel again. Thank you for making an impact on me and leaving me with some wonderful memories that I will carry with me wherever I go. It’s also hope- hope that you’ll stop by into other people’s lives and impact them the way you did mine. Know that you have someone cheering you on all the way across the sea, hoping that wherever you are, you’re shining brightly.