To the Angel that should be here.

Here I am.

In a beautiful country, living in it’s biggest city. There’s so many people walking along the streets. I blend in as if I belong here.

I don’t. I don’t belong anywhere.

I watch them. Holding hands. Laughing. Kissing. Just being together. Just living. And I think of you, my sweet angel.

I think of you.

I think what life would be like if you were here to live it beside me. I think about how much better it would be. How much more worth while it would seem. How much happier I would be. How much lighter the heart beating in my chest would feel.

But you’re not here. You can’t be. And I know no matter how badly I wish you could be, how badly I wish I could hold on to you, talk to you, be with you, I can’t be.

Because you died.

I have to accept that, I know. I know you’re gone. You have been for years, but no matter how many years pass, the pain does not.

You were supposed to be here. It was supposed to be us against the world and you left me to do it alone.

I’m here in this beautiful city doing something I’ve dreamed of my entire life, but I don’t want to be alone. I want you to be with me. I want you to share this adventure with me. And I’m sure you are. I just can’t see you.

I know I have to live life for the both of us, but I’ll always wish that you were here living it with me.

Some nights are harder than others.

Tonight, hit me like a hurricane. I felt like I was drowning, I couldn’t hold my head above the water that was caused by the tears and their endless falling. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like all the air had been knocked out of me. I couldn’t fight the storm. I didn’t want to. I just stayed still and willed it to take me under.

I resurfaced tired and empty.

Longing for your touch. For your voice. For you.

I wonder what you would have said seeing me that way. Perhaps you did. Perhaps you sat at the edge of my bed, softly speaking, gently urging me to breathe, to live, reaching out a hand to run up and down my spine, reminding me that you never really went away, that you’re with me.

As painful as it is to remember, I would never allow myself to forget.

I miss you more than these words could ever tell.

I will love you until the end of time and far, far beyond.

 

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