“Why don’t you speak of her?” He genuinely questioned.
I glanced at him wearily before responding. “Mon ami, why would I? I just don’t see the point in talking about any of it.”
“That’s the problem, you never do. You keep it inside under chains, locked up, and let it stay there until it poisons you. Maybe if you talked about it, it would heal more quickly.” He sighed.
“Every love, no matter how brief or how deep, leaves a lasting impression. The cut has healed, but a scar stays to remind me of what once was. The scar tells me I’ve been somewhere. That will never leave me, so what is there to say?” I rolled my eyes.
He didn’t immediately respond. His dark eyes burning into mine, so intensely that I had to look down. He meant well, he always does, and I know his heart was sincere and genuine which meant he wouldn’t be letting it go.
“You’re going to make me talk about it, so you may as well ask what you want to know, even though, you do know everything.” I groaned.
“Why did you let her end it instead of you ending it? You knew it was over, right? So why weren’t you the one to give up? Why did you just give her reasons to end it, reasons that you knew would, mon chou?”
“I knew that it was over, I didn’t need her to tell me in that sense. I wasn’t blind nor stupid. I could see it and I could feel it. I think that was one of the most heart-wrenching things- watching it crumble and having to let the pieces fall, knowing I couldn’t save nor stop it. I should have ended it, I know that. I should have walked away before it got so bad, but that’s the thing, I’m always the one that walks away. I give up on people. I’m the one that can never find it in me to stay. I knew it was ending, but for once, I just didn’t want to be the one that had to pull the trigger.” I stated.
“So you gave her reasons to?” He implored.
“Yes,” I whispered, “I gave her reasons that I knew she would not turn down. We both already had reasons to walk away, but I gave her a couple more that I knew she’d use, that I knew she wouldn’t be able to refuse. But you know, even after giving her those reasons and knowing that it was going to be over, I don’t think I was prepared for it, emotionally, but then again, how can you be prepared for what you both were once so hopeful of, to be over? I mean we were good, really good, until we weren’t. So, I gave us an out, because I was miserable and I knew she was, too.”
“Do you think it hurt her, too?”
“I cannot give you answer on that, because a big part of me wants to tell you no. I’m not so sure that it really did. It didn’t seem like it did that night. She didn’t seem bothered. At that point, I didn’t mean much to her, I just don’t know that I ever truly did.” I reflected on the past.
“But she had to. She talked about relocating for you. She spoke of the future, one with you. Mon ami, she cared about you. You don’t think it hurt her, too? And you know, I’m asking genuinely, what you think, you know I’m always on your side.” he said softly while grabbing my hand.
“Maybe it was all a lie. Maybe she never gave a damn about me. Perhaps I was just collateral damage on her journey to finding what she wanted and I wasn’t it. I don’t think it hurt her. I don’t think she really even cared about me. I mean, she just suddenly stopped, which means she probably never really started, let’s be honest. I was nothing, she proved that to me at the end.” I sighed.
“Mon petit leon, is that why you don’t want another D/s relationship? Because things just changed in the blink of an eye, so you don’t trust someone to not do the same thing that she did, to just change?” he questioned.
“In a way, yes. You know I don’t trust people easily, I’m not good at it, you know that. It just took a lot out of me and I’m not sure that I’ll recover from it in the sense that I’ll never allow someone to have that type of relationship with me again, because I won’t let them that close. It’s better that way.”
“But you’re hard wired, so do you really think you can avoid playing forever? You said it yourself once, you need it.”
“The wolf that wins is the one you feed, right? So, I won’t feed that part of me and while it may never die, it will weaken, in time, if I’m lucky, I will no longer think about it or long for it in anyway. While I love pain, there are other ways to achieve it.” I stated.
I could feel his body tense against mine. I knew what was coming. “Don’t you dare-”
“No.” I cut him off. “That is not what I was talking about!”
He grabbed my chin and forced me to look into his eyes. They were intense, they always were, but he was scared, too. Scared that I would go back down a path I worked so hard to leave behind.
“I need you to promise me something. Promise me that you will not-” he stopped and took a deep breath. He didn’t want to say it. He never did. His other hand moved to my wrist and he held it, once again running his thumb over my tattoo like he had so many times before. “Promise me.” he pleaded.
I smiled up at him and nodded. “I promise.”