I went to visit your grave today.
I’m sorry it has been so long. Every time I promise that I’ll do better with it and go more frequently, I come up with a thousand excuses not to.
It’s so much more real when I see it in stone…so it’s easier to stay away.
You see, if I don’t see it then I can pretend you’re not gone. I think of where you’d be today.
Would you be on the coast of Alabama working on your graduate degree?
Would you be zip-lining through Costa Rica and rescuing turtles?
Would you be in Australia saving the marine life, especially sharks?
You could have done so much more if you only had time.
I was accepted into my graduate program overseas. I think I was in shock, honestly. The university is at such a high caliber. There were applicants from all across the world and they were only letting 20 in and I was one of them. Can you believe it, baby? I can’t.
I was so excited to tell the world, but my heart was so heavy, because all I wanted to do was tell you. Tell you that this is the beginning, that I actually have a chance to do the work I have dreamed of… Tell you, that’s all I wanted to, the one thing I couldn’t.
I broke down in my best friend’s arms. I had tried not to cry, tried to be strong, but I couldn’t stop the tears. She cried with me, reminding me that you already knew, and that you’d be watching over me every step.
You shouldn’t have to, though. You shouldn’t have to watch over me when there are so many more important things for you to be doing up there.
I’m sorry for the tears, I know that is the last thing you want, it just hurts so bad sometimes, because when I think about the future, I’m always reminded that my future with you was ripped away, and damn it, it’s not fair.
But life, life doesn’t play fair.
You shouldn’t have had to go. I wish I could have taken your place. I begged the universe to take me instead, to let you live, to let you shine, to let you change the world, and to let me be the one to die if someone had to go. But she had already made up her mind, she wanted you back, and I can’t blame her, because I wish I could have you back, too. But I know I will be reunited with you one day.
It’s weird to think that I’ll be leaving in less than four months to start my new life. It’s exciting and terrifying.
What if it’s not everything I dreamed it would be?
What if it is?
I wish I could curl into you, hear your advice, laugh with you..
My family and friends are concerned I’ll never come back to live in the states again, that I’ll love it so much there that it’s where I’ll plant my roots, but I think me and you both know roots will never be planted anywhere.
I mean after all, life is so short and the world is so very wide.
Please know that I will carry you with me everywhere. Whether I’m in the islands, the United Kingdom, Europe, or even driving around our little town, I’ll carry you with me.
I’ll live for the both of us.
I’ll make you proud.
Keep sending those turtles.
Keep watching over me.
I will love you until my last breath and beyond.