A letter to my teenage self..

Oh, sweet girl.

I see you, hands trembling, tears falling down your face, cleaning up the cut you just made.

It’s been hard, right? One of those weeks where everything went wrong.

You’re tired, I know you’re tired. Constant practices, training sessions, and private lessons. Competitions in a different state every weekend. Your love for the game is starting to fade.

Your love for everything is starting to fade.

You keep that smile on your face, but those eyes tell a different story.

You have so many journals filled from front to back with the words in your head that you cannot say out loud, it’s your only escape from the world, but you’re losing your love for that, too.

You’re different, you’ve always known that. The other day, two girls were suspended for kissing one another, right? It made your blood boil. More and more people have been vocal at school about how wrong it is, how disgusting it is, how ‘those people’ are going straight to hell and are an abomination to mankind. You are none of those things, I promise you.

But that’s not the only thing you’re thinking about. You have always been fascinated with spanking, right? You have read every article, story, blog post, ect. And watched every video you could get your hands on. I’ll let you in on a little secret, there are far more people like you than you think.

At this moment, you’re living in a world you cannot escape from and you’ve been contemplating just how much longer you can survive in it.

But I’m here to tell you this.. you do survive.

You are going to live to see many more years, just hold on right now.

You are in such a dark place at this point in your life and I cannot tell you that they are all behind you, because they are far from it, but I can tell you that you’ll be more equipped to deal with them when they come.

You’ll learn to appreciate the dark, it will become a part of you that you will always carry. It will never leave you and you’ll actually grow fond of it. Because once you’ve known the dark, once you’ve survived the dark, you can survive anything, it made you strong. And when the light shines again, as it always will, it will sting your eyes.

You have so much to look forward to.

You are going to know love in it’s most rare, innocent form. It is going to leave an imprint on you that you will carry with you for the remainder of time.

And the universe is going to teach you loss in the most cruel way. It will cut you deep and you will carry that scar until the end of time.

We all have our place and time, and Time is a cruel man, he is going to reach into your chest, grasp your heart, and turn it to stone. But one day, it will beat again, this I promise you. It will never be the same, you will never be the same, but you are going to make it through.

You are going to meet people in the lifestyle who are just like you. You will realize you are not alone, and some of them truly are the kindest people you will ever meet. Some will make an impact on your and your life.  You will love them.

You are going to come out. You’re going to be free.

You will graduate college with honors.

You’ll even be in a sorority.

You’re going to get all those tattoos you wanted and more.

Dearheart, you are going to do everything you can to change the world one day. You’ll see. Things are going to get better and you will look back on this time in your life and remember the lessons it taught you. The pain it brought you.

Pick up a pen and keep writing, read everything you can get your hands on, spend time with your family, and if you ever get the chance, ask Uncle Jack to tell you a few stories, one day you will wish you would have.

Keep your head up, darling girl.

I’ll see you in the mirror ten years from now.




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